When I was in my mid-twenties I was very lost. I was working at a company that didn't treat people the best, especially women and I was stuck. I sent out my resume and kept trying to find a job but there was nothing I could really do. I stayed in that job and even moved to a new position hoping that would improve things. It did not. I had also abruptly moved out of my parents' after moving back home when I was laid off during the 2008 recession.
I was spiritually ungrounded, lost in my career, and I felt alone. I really felt that I had nowhere to turn and like a burden to my friends. I was becoming increasingly depressed and I needed help. I don't recall how I found a therapist, if I did a Google search or if I had a flyer pinned to my car in the Valley but I called an office that practiced Jungian analysis. I had heard of Carl Jung but I didn't know much. I came in for an appointment to learn more and discuss what I was looking for.
What was I looking for? I just wanted a way out of the pain I was experiencing. I felt like a twenty seven year old failure. I had wanted to be married and a mom by now or at least on my way. Every relationship I touched turned to dust. I felt toxic and deeply unhappy. I also consistently put my friendships in jeopardy. I had ruined a good friend's bachelorette party when I got blackout drunk and tried to make out with some guy that looked like the guy I was fighting with. Blackout drunk was three or four drinks but I was a lightweight and I should have known not to drink beyond my limit.
I would love to tell you that Jungian analysis solved all my problems and that I am an amazing person who now goes to church and volunteers every week but I will cut to the chase and tell you it's been a long road and it’s still not over. Through analysis, I learned about every aspect of myself like the shitty one who got drunk and the great one who adventured around Spain. I learned about the feminine and masculine and about a very tender part of me that dreamed of being a fairy napping in a sun drenched flower.
Learning all of these aspects was incredibly difficult. There were times in the process I felt I was coming apart that I sobbed and choked for hours and had to take a hot bath to ground myself. The hardest thing I have ever learned was how to hold tension. My therapist said, "You have to imagine that you are holding two spheres with opposing energies, if you can do that, eventually one of them will drop away." That blew my mind. My pain was coming from the tension between my want and my reality. It took months but I was finally able to do it. It took years still to master and then realize that sometimes it was better if I chose a sphere and didn't waste my energy but that's for another post.
The use of multiple aspects of identity, symbolism, and pursuit of my highest self made Jungian analysis so much better than Freudian in my opinion. Freud focused on establishing behaviors from childhood due to parent relationships which are relevant but seemed to miss the point of why we are here on this planet. To become our highest selves. I am not a perfect person but Jungian analysis is the foundation for examining my imperfect life and taking me another step closer to my highest self. I am incredibly grateful for the analysist who patiently listened to and advised Messy Meghan and I am thankful to you for hearing this story and making space for it in your own journey.
Make Pearls,
Meghan
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